I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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