She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
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You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
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You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
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