I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
