You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
