the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
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