I smell stomach acid.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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