I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
