he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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