I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
