Your face is a jimmy john
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
