my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
