she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
