i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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