Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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