hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
