His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
