you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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