did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The struggles of a small town man whore
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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