The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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