I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
