They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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