Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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