I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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