Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
