remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
