i permit you to call me
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
