I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
