Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
