my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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