I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
