they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
