We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
