my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
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