my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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