Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
