She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
