why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
