It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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