Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
