Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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