I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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