If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
