I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
