When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
