I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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