Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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