I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
