We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
