well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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