I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It's rum buckets o'clock
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
