When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
