We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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