Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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