Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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