Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
