Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
