if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold