You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
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Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
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no more duck duck goose at the bar
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.