it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I faked an abortion last night.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.