so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
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he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
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He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.